The Dress Barn

Ladies, would you actually buy a dress in a store called "The Dress Barn?" I find the name of this store very offensive, and I'm a guy. To me associating the word "barn" with anything to do with the female gender is walking on dangerous ground. For example, saying things like "Gee honey, you know I love you, even though you're as big as a barn", or something like "Of course I can hit you from here, you're as big as a barn". Or how about, "Honey, what a lovely new fragrance, what's it called 'Essence of Barn'?" Or "Wow, you got really embarrassed when I said that, you were as red as a barn!" See what I mean?

What do the dresses look like anyway? All I can see are very large floral printed dresses with poofy sleeves, or how about some sweet one piece denim home-school mom jumpers! If they had an athletic department, I'm seeing polyester culottes, talk about spontaneous combustion!And nightgowns? Lots of baggy flannel folks!

So guys, if you're looking for a dress for you wife, bringing one home in a box labeled "The Dress Barn", may not improve your marriage!

American Gladiators

Am I the only one watching American Gladiators? I loved this show when it was on back in the day…and I was pumped to hear it was coming back…with the Hulkster! You got to love him, brother!

I stayed up and watched it Sunday night, and also on Monday. I am hooked! By the way, what’s up with the Wolf dude?

Squirrel Killer

This past Sunday was a beautiful, warm Winter day. I was driving on the roads in my neighborhood, making my way to the house with the windows down and the sunroof open. It was a picture perfect day. The sun was shining through the brilliant colors in the trees (yes, we still have leaves on the trees in Texas). A warm breeze was blowing. It couldn't get any better than that.

As I was driving, I saw two squirrels playing in the road up ahead. They too were enjoying this incredible day. All I can tell you is that it was like a Disney movie, everything was brilliant in color and in slow motion. The squirrels seemed to be part of some new wonderful talking-animal kids movie. You know the kind that just sucks you in, where the girl dog comes running over the hills with a bow in her hair, ears flopping, and the boy dog sees the girl dog and does a double take, runs toward her, drooling out the side of his mouth, and they both spend the afternoon running through a field of daisies.

The squirrels just seemed to be dancing in mid air. I was totally mesmerized. So mesmerized in fact that I ran them over. I'm not kidding!

I've never been in a car, whether driving or riding where a squirrel was run over. Every single time, even though they seem to wait until the last second, they always, always, always get out of the way! Not this time. I was shocked and horrified at the sound of the thud. I looked in my rear view mirror to see that I had totally wiped out not one, but two squirrel lovers, who were not dancing, but mating in the middle of Madison Dr.

But hey...at least they died happy :-)

Outdated

I remember the day it happened… I was scanning through the radio on a recent road trip and heard a familiar Bon Jovi song. Naturally, I stopped and cranked the sucker up and sang .. Yea, screamed at the top of my lungs. Suddenly, I was back in my Levi Jeans, the ones with the very tapered legs, and black leather jacket, caught up in yesteryear, which really seems more like yesterday. Then it happened… the song ended, and the DJ belted out “You’re listening to 95 Classic Rock, your home for all the hits from yesterday.” I grabbed my chest, pulled over to the side of the road and cried like a little schoolgirl. Classic Rock? What the…? I was 18 like two days ago, and now my music is on classic rock radio? When did this happen? Who decides when music gets shuffled from the “hip and happening” stations to the “remember these guys radio”? That was the day I realized it had happened, I was getting older and had slipped into that category that I was so sure I would never fall into. But wait a second…I was cool, I sang, people liked me, but apparently, as of today, I am outdated. Today I am Davy Jones.

So any of you 20-somethings out their reading this, take my advice. Go easy on those 10-20 years older than you. Someday you will lose your hair, and your music will end up on classic rock stations and be labeled by your kids as “cheesy”. When that day happens, call me. I will laugh at you, but only for a minute. I will take you out for coffee, I will give you a hug and tell you “it’s gonna be alright, your life isn’t over and trust me you don’t want to be in your 20’s again. Be strong, keep your chin up and by the way, why are you still wearing those Chuck Taylor’s? They stopped being cool like 10 years ago!”

Monday Randomness

The past few weeks have been off the chain busy! So glad to be back into the swing of things again. So let the rantings of randomness and penguins commence...

My favorite tree has always been the giant pine tree. Since I was a boy I loved them. Something about them looking both dejected yet triumphant. Yes I thought that when I was a boy… I was kind of a deep kid.

Many polls rank William Henry Harrison as the worst president of all time. But can you really blame a guy for dying a month into office? Now as govenor of Indiana, and senator in Ohio, he was a tyrant and supported the genocide of native americans, so maybe he would have been the worst President, but we’ll never know.

Homer Simpson once asked Flanders this question: “Could God heat up a burrito so hot that even he couldn’t eat it?” Someone recently asked me a similar question… I snickered and pointed to a Chipotle...

I once had a teacher in High School named Mrs. Head. Her first name was Anita. Yes that’s right her name was Anita Head… let me say that phonetically “I-needa head”!

I need a new computer like Argentina needs a President. Meaning mine hit it’s prime 2 years ago, and in my almost 3 years with it, is about done, and makes loud buzzing sounds often. If you have a nice laptop you can part with, or want to buy me a new one think about it! Have not, because you ask not right?

Shock & Awe

I am not an argumentative person. In a group of people where there are many strong personalities, I tend to be the one who is quiet and introspective, most of the time. I have however been blessed with the gift of finding people's hot buttons and pushing them at will, leaving an unforgettable impression (just ask my parents).


This is the way to silence the great debaters and to render them speechless...It's called Shock and Awe. The next time you find yourself listening to a heated debate, wait for about a 20 second pause of silence, then stand up and say the following:


"Well, at least we're not going to be here for the tribulation. Anybody wanna go get a beer? I just got the new Marilyn Manson CD, you guys can ride with me and we can listen to it on the way, but first we have to stop by CVS, my girlfriend just left me a message, her birth control prescription is in."


Then I will majestically walk out of the room, possibly skipping and most certainly in silence. Yes, a hush will fall over the crowd. I will turn around and say, "Thank you very much Dallas/FtWorth, I love you, good night."


You see folks, the key is shock and awe. Cram as much controversy as you can into one brief statement, so much controversy that no one knows what to rebut, and then make your exit.

The Force is strong with this one...

I saw this story on the news today...

"An 11-year-old boy demonstrated The Force when he defended his mom by hitting an attacker with a toy lightsaber.

The man, in his 30s, fled after being confronted by the youngster outside a bakery in Swardeston, near Norwich, England.

Police said the boy hit the man with his toy after the man had punched and verbally abused his mother as she approached her car.

Officers are appealing for witnesses to the Dec. 22 attack.

Allan Jennings of the Norfolk Police said: "The incident caused quite a commotion and it is unlikely it would have gone unnoticed."

BTW, the picture above is of my friend Ben (former drummer of Audio Adrenaline) and I playing backstage at Six Flags prior to one of their concerts a couple years ago. I am stoked that I finally found a good use for it!

3 Signs that it's time go back to work

#1 You are watching Clash of the Choirs on NBC.
#2 You can't figure out how to get the light fixture off to replace the light on the front porch
#3 You got excited because you get an extra chicken nugget in your 8 pack ...

Yes folks, I am more than a little excited to be back from Christmas break...yes siree.

I am a hard drive crash test dummy

Well, not a crash, but certainly a fender bender this time. This morning, after returning from vacation, the ol' 17 inch office laptop got slower, and s l ow e r, and s l o w ... e ... r until all I had was the infamous pinwheel of death. (I will pause to allow Mac fans to rejoice. Both of you, take your liberty.)

Because I am a one trick tech pony, I restarted it. That trick failed. I did it again, as if the machine didn't realize what had happened. No dice, no whir, no data. Selah.

OK, so I've got one more trick. Reinstall the OS. I managed to get that done and find all my data again, but Brandon der Wondertech had to reset all my email settings. It seems four email accounts syncing across three devices takes a little more than my skill.

Must be hunting season...

I was walking into the grocery store at lunch today and just had to take a picture of this. It only makes sense if you live in Dallas. If you don't, it's just weird!

This can't be news departement

OK, I'm getting really concerned about the folks at CNN.com. Either they're down to half staff because of the holidays, or they really have given up entirely, but check out the screen shot below.

The first headline under 'funny news' has been there for at least five days. Maybe a week. I've resisted clicking on it - actually, I'm not remotely tempted to click on it because if it's accurate, it's the last thing I want to see...